so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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