I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
