I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
