Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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