I want to walk on stilts...naked
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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