Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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