Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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