im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
