I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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