you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
