white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
