You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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