The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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