We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
