I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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