when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
