Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
