Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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