so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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