I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
