Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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