I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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