Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
