the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The air taste purple.
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