Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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