sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
