I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
