You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
