I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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