Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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