I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize