Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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