Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i love accidental penises.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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