Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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