I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
