one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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