Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
