69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
