wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
