i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
