Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
