Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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