I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
