So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
