Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
