just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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