on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize