get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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