You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
