so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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