herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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