You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
