My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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