I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize