So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
