Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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