My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
