How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My bed smells like the plague
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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