Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
