I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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